Sometimes I am lonely because I miss Lisa. But sometimes I miss Lisa because I’m lonely. It may sound the same, but the different paths invoke different feelings and responses. Recently, I have spent a lot of time in the latter camp. Strangely enough that (in conjunction with the unofficial beginning of Fall) have inspired me to try something. I’m noting it here to hold myself to it. We shall see how it goes.
You know, we’ve always considered as our prime mission an elevation of the level of discourse in movie podcasts. Much like Cahiers du Cinema, we seek to enshrine the world of film as a true art form, analyzing the efforts its creators invest in fulfilling their unique visions, and exploring how the results serve to elevate humanity’s understanding of itself and the universe…
I recently purchased a new router. It’s a much more powerful unit and I added high gain antennas to reduce the speed lost from being further away from the router. It appears to have been a successful endeavor.
The thing is that every router I have ever owned has used the same combination of my name and Lisa’s name for the network name even after she died. I’ve always told myself that using the same name was to make it easier. I didn’t have to change any of the settings on any of my WiFi enabled devices etc., etc.
It was easier. Not for those reasons. I’ve spoken of this before, about how making changes would be like throwing Lisa away.
So I did the thing I should have done a while back, I changed the name.
It wasn’t a difficult thing to do, just a needed one. There are things that are worth holding onto emotionally and spiritually…this wasn’t one of them.
No, it isn’t anything monumental, but these moments should be noted. They are steps on the journey.
Thank you for listening.
Some words I shared in a comment on a friend’s FB page. Edited slightly for clarity and context…
“After Lisa died, I started seeing a therapist to deal with the grief. Still seeing her.
And while we still touch on grief it has mostly been about rebuilding my life as a solo act in the past 2 years or so. And about dealing with leftover issues made more intense by grieving. Short story longish: I never thought of myself as particularly attractive or sexy. Not in any way.
Since last year, I have been taking yoga. One organized class a week and DVDs (generally) 2 more times a week.
Last year I was looking for an exercise routine and I wanted something low impact. I settled on yoga. I didn’t realize that it would be as hard as it has been, but that difficulty has been a good thing. It’s hard work that has brought me rewards.
Ain’t nothing wrong with that.
So is the new template working for you?
I’m trying it on for size.
Curious as to readability and navigation.
So first things first.
The title of this post has probably been used elsewhere before. There is no way I’m that original. But I like it and I’m sticking with it, so deal.
Anyway, I was just reading this article: Has Sharknado Jumped the Shark? ‘Oh Hell No!’ Ratings Drop 31% But there will be a fourth installment
And I had a ready and simple response…Yes, it has. Or course it has. Why would you think anything else?
Today I am in the best emotional, mental, spiritual and physical shape that I have been in since Lisa died. And while this could all change in a heartbeat and there are no guarantees it will stay this way, right now at this moment I am the best that I have been.
The journey isn’t over (and I don’t believe it ever will be), but it’s a much better trip than it has been.
I’ll take it.
Curiously, I have an unplanned follow-up to yesterday’s post. Had another moment where something Lisa gave to/shared with me said “goodbye”.
Many, many, many years ago Lisa gave me a money clip. She gave it to me because it was a way of keeping me organized and she thought it was pretty. If you know anything about Lisa, you know she was a function over form person so while the pretty was nice and she wanted it to be good looking…it was all about the organization.
Today, I am sitting in the big chair (Lisa’s chair) and watching the last episode of Top Gear to feature Clarkson, Hammond and May. There is a certain finality to the way it’s presented as there is no audience in studio, and all of the studio bits feature only Hammond and May. And this makes me a bit sad. I’m going to miss this show as it was and while I might find myself watching what it will become, it won’t be the same.
But there’s more…
So I have a date this Saturday.
We’re going shopping at Costco.
Shopping can be a viable dating activity if you do it right, and as the person I am seeing is in the process of moving, it’s practical as well.
Not my journey. But I can relate and I assume that many who knew and loved Lisa feel the same way about the fact that I am dating. I know this. The journey all of us are on is incredibly complicated. Everything we do creates ripples in the pond that just move outward. Remember that when you see people out here doing their thing. Just…remember that.
FYI – Lisa didn’t know anything about Doctor Who before Eccleston. But she saw the show with him and was hooked.
It took her a while to warm to Tennant, but she ended up loving him.
She died during Smith’s run and never warmed to him and so she never got to see Capaldi.
When I look back at he Tennant and Eccleston episodes (especially Eccleston) they are tinged with a little grief. I feel these with Eccleston’s more because I got to introduce the woman I love to something I loved and she ended up loving it too. And I can kind of feel that moment with every episode of his. It’s a bit overwhelming sometimes. This widowhood thing is constantly filled with new revelations.
I want to thank everyone for the outpourings of love and support I received yesterday and I wanted to thank everyone who did share and read 3 Years for doing so.
Yesterday, I took it easy, ate comfort food, found ways to entertain myself and generally focused on having an uplifting day rather than a sad one.
It mostly worked. I was OK, except when I wasn’t. That’s pretty much how it’s supposed to go I think.